I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
