Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
