I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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