I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
