I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
