I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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