A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
