I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
