my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
