If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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