I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
