Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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