Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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