Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
