Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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