Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
