that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
