last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
