dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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