My pussy is not your playground.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
