He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
