Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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