I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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