You don't have asthma, your pregnant
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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