is your mom at the bar?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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