I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
