i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
