The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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