Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Randomize
