went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
