I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
you had me at cake vodka
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
