she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Need sex. Gaining weight.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
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