I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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