If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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