the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
