Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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