I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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