there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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