is your mom at the bar?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
