id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
