I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
