i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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