I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
