the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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