When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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