i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
