Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
