$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
