Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
