GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
