just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
