no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
